Silence

In an evening like this,
When setting sun kindled the horizon
And 
Fallen leaves rustled in the cold December wind
You kissed me on the forehead
And whispered,
Don't talk to me too often
Days went by
Now,
In evenings like this,
You sob
'cause,
I don't talk too often

Longing for Light of the Day

In a sleepless night,
My imagination took me to a Stygian dungeon
Alone I sit and trepidation has squeezed my heart
Leaning elbows on the knees, 

Covering the face with my hands,

I wished to stop moving in the maze of wandering thoughts

But mind,
That can not cease to think,

Has snatched my hope
I scream,

But realize I can't be heard
I should not pine for light of the day

For I'll not see it
I close my eyes,

Knowing that, 

It's death waiting with its gloom

100 Facts about Me…!

With laptop on my lap, I sat. Staring mindlessly at the screen, I wanted to write something but just couldn’t weave a single cohesive thought. It is as if I forgot to write or maybe due to a superfluity of thoughts that have been bolting into the mind of their own accord. However, that isn’t unusual either, because that is what the mind does – it creates the world around us. And scruffy minds like mine revel in walking down unpredictable avenues of thoughts, turning new corners, discovering strange new realms. 

So, I surfed the web, read a few tweets and then this hash tag #100FactsAboutMe caught my attention. I threw a few in the mix and then wondered if I really could write or even know 100 facts about myself. I can tell it was way harder than I thought but nevertheless, it was something worth contemplating for.

1. I have a very vivid imagination and I live in my head. 
2. I love to walk alone along the beach and watch sunset. 
3. I’m an antisocial hermit, I feel disconnected from the outer world as if I am the only person like me. 
4. I lack appropriate social skills needed to make friends and I take a lot of time to make someone’s acquaintance. 
5. I’ve never been in love. 
6. Like most antisocial people I love twitter. 
7. Since I lack adequate social skills, I try to be a bit social on social networks (LOL). 
8. I feel like I can’t share any of my feelings to anyone. 
9. Most people think I’m rude, conceited, but I am not. Though, I am not very good with people. 
10. If some people existed in my computer, trust me I wouldn’t take a second to delete them. 
11. I - more often than not – keep my opinion in my head. 
12. I do think about dying young. 
13. Barring Table tennis, I like most of sports but I love football. 
14. I’m a culé. 
15. I thought I was going to play professional football but then picked up a few injuries, especially the tissues’ damage in my right ankle. 
16. Among sports women, I think Yelena Isinbayeva aka Russian pole vault queen – is the prettiest around. 
17. I love poetry, music, movies and reading books. 
18. I can’t name poets, writers and books that I like because they are too many to mention. 
19. I hate blabbers and clingy people. 
20. I used to be a serious gamer. 
21. I’m not a morning person. 
22. My mom usually likes me home before the street lights come on. She’s such a simple woman. 
23. I wear lenses, though I have as many as 5 pair of glasses but I don’t wear them but sure I like to buy them. 
24. Traffic jams annoy me so much. 
25. When I left University, I thought I figure out the life already. Now I realize how wrong one can be. 
26. Owing to the fact that I can’t fit in, when I was a kid, I believed I was from another world. 
27. If I get time, I still like to watch Tom & Jerry, my favorite cartoon. 
28. I tend to watch most of the programs on YouTube. 
29. I am not a good swimmer. 
30. One time, a huge wave swept and banged me against the rocks 30 feet towards the right from where I was swimming and I had received so many contusions on my ribs, elbows, back, knees, shins and feet. 
31. I have a diverse taste in music. 
32. I have a love-hate relationship with myself. 
33. I lost 4 phones so far and I don’t know about 3 of them, whether somebody stole it from me or I dropped them somewhere. And the other one, while climbing stairs and texting simultaneously, I barged into a man who was on his descent. As a result I found myself watching helplessly as my phone bounced off the stairs and crashed to the floor. Phone LCD got damaged beyond repair. 
34. I can forgive but I can’t forget. 
35. I like to help people if I can. 
36. I love to walk in rain and get drenched. And sitting by the window, watching raindrops when I’m inside. 
37. Sometimes I get so sad for no reason. 
38. I like paranormal stuff. The X-Files was my favorite. 
39. Of all professions, I am not the least bit interested in teaching. 
40. If I were a felon, I’d be a bank robber instead of an assassin. 
41. Apart from professional work, I write about things I like and some of them I post on my blog. 
42. I’m a cynic. 
43. I’m a sad case. 
44. I have never been good enough, though I tried to be. 
45. I have done my Masters in I.R in 2008 and joined a news paper which I just left. 
46. If I ever become a ghost, I’ll haunt my ex-boss the most. 
47. And I have many regrets. 
48. My one regret is that I am not someone else. 
49. If I had the chance to start again, I would certainly do everything differently. 
50. When I was a kid, I used to be afraid of dark. Now I find solace in it. 
51. I miss being a kid and being carefree. 
52. I hated school but I liked college and university. 
53. When I was little, once my Dad took me to his office, and after a while Dad asked me “Why are you so quiet, what’s troubling you?”, “I can’t understand what you people writing in these files”, I replied. 
54. When I was 9, my cousin (16) duped me to sneak into a fruit farm in their vicinity to pluck some papaya, guava and mangoes. He told me it was safe and they’d done it before. Farm owner almost caught me and he had a shotgun in his hands. That day I ran faster than Usain Bolt. 
55. My room is always a mess. 
56. If I had a chance, I would like to have a go at skydiving. 
57. I think it would be cool to visit Antarctica. 
58. I don’t care about people and what they think. 
59. I don’t interfere in others’ affair and hate when somebody pokes their nose in mine. 
60. Sometimes I feel short compared to most people, although, 5’9 is okay I guess. 
61. I really hate being ill. 
62. I appreciate my parents. 
63. I love my buddy and we are quite different. 
64. My favorite color is white. 
65. When I can’t sleep, I sit on the rooftop gazing stars. 
66. I like pizza and fried rice the most. 
67. I can't sing. Nevertheless, I try to in shower. 
68. I like Discovery and Nat Geo. 
69. I hate cats. 
70. I’ve never smoked. 
71. Sometimes I drive around aimlessly. 
72. I have a lackadaisical shaving routine. 
73. I have become super lazy lately. 
74. I fantasize a lot. 
75. I don’t live in present. Either I’m in the past or future. 
76. I would rather be rich and miserable than broke and happy. 
77. Back in 2006, I had a terrible accident on a bridge. My bike crashed into the fence. Luckily I didn’t fall over, and I escaped major injuries. Since then I haven’t ridden a bike again. 
78. I sometimes feel like I have the worst luck of all. 
79. I procrastinate a lot. 
80. I don’t like tattoos. 
81. I’m a geek. 
82. My favorite font is “Comic Sans Ms” 
83. I hate adobe updates. 
84. I always used Windows and most of the Microsoft products. 
85. I prefer Android. 
86. After waking up, cell phone is the first thing I reach for and it’s probably the last thing I touch before sleeping. 
87. I switched to SkyDrive from Google Drive, and also I started using Dropbox. 
88. I like growing hair and guys with long hair. 
89. My dandruff just doesn’t go away, though I tried so many remedies. 
90. I don’t like going to weddings, well I don’t like to join other social gatherings either. But to me, weddings are really boring and stressful. 
91. I notice so many things but I choose to say nothing. 
92. Rafael Nadal is my favorite Tennis player. 
93. Sometimes I like to watch movies, I have seen before. 
94. My favorite actors are Leonardo DiCaprio, Denzel Washington, Matt Damon, Russell Crowe, Johnny Depp, John Cusack, Sean Connery (he has the sexiest voice I think) and Nicole Kidman. 
95. I don’t like Harrison Ford, Natalie Portman and above all Cameron Diaz, I’d slap her if I could, and I think they should all just stop acting now. 
96. Espionage, war and movies about bank robberies fascinate me the most. 
97. I make a lot of mistakes and I think about them. 
98. Writing 100 facts about yourself is another mistake because it’s so damn hard. 
99. While typing these lines, I have realized quite a few things about myself. 
100. My name is Zaka.

Spiritless

Zaka

Gazing at a colorless picture
That I just drew
Wonder I,
If my world needs some colors...!

A Fairy That Never Was...!!!

Zaka

05:31 AM

“Nothing is as lonely as not sleeping”, tweeted I, as I kept wallowing in the bed. It'd been over 6 hours since I hit the sack. But I had only an hour of sleep and that too - in bits and pieces. However, for my nightmares, that sole hour was enough to kill me once more.

Last night, sleep deserted me like people who run away from a plague-hit town. I’m not an insomniac. Sometimes, I sleep straight up to 14, 15 hours. And yet I experience these sorts of nights when I feel like a man who hasn’t slept in an aeon.

......

11:58 PM

Burying my head underneath the pillow, I tried to hide from the phone light that kept blinking every now and then.

“Who’s it? I aint gonna reply”, spluttered I. Though, I knew that this restlessness won’t go away unless I read it.

“Hey! Nocturnal being! Catching up for being offline, are you? “, It was DM from another restless-soul - living somewhere in the northern hemisphere.

“Aha, she must have a plethora of thoughts and nothing really lucid to say”, I thought, “this doesn’t warrant a reply anyway”. But I couldn’t resist the temptation for too long and replied:

“Not really, my sleep pattern is sorta messed up, so u get replies from underneath the pillow. Lol”

“*giggles* Is it cosy underneath the pillow?”, she replied back in no time.

“Very *Lol* its kinda my soulmate. Lol”, I typed while meditating that there’s no harm talking to her, because sleep wouldn’t seem coming tonight.

“Whoa! ur pillow is like a soulmate, choose it with care. Lol”, replies were coming thick and fast.

“Tell ya what, ma pillow just whispers that she’s nuts, shut ur fone or else you will go nuts too. LOL”, I threw a teaser.

“*Sheepish smile* Ur pillow must’ve got me”.... reply brought a wry smile to my face. I flung the pillow and went to the bathroom, splashed water on my face. I knew it was futile to go to bed. So, I tramped up to the terrace.

....

02:35 AM

I love moonless nights and not much fond of starless nights. And don’t ask me for a reason, because I don’t need a reason to do things. It was a starless night. There never is anything enchanting about such nights. Shadows are longer, corners are darker and even a whisper echoes louder.

The wind whispered annoyingly at my face as if mocking me.

“Ahaaa, there’s a star, perhaps a loner”, I thought as I descried a lonely star shining tremulously in the vast sky. I had almost forgotten the ongoing conversation but just couldn’t help texting that:

“The sky is clear but I can see just a solitary star up there as if she too, can’t sleep”, I typed musing that she must have something to say. And I wasn’t disappointed at all.

“Sleep is for those who have a set course. The solitary wanders in the dark. Lighting up once in a while when encountering another wandering spirit”, reply came.

“Wow poetess, didn’t see that one coming, gonna have antoher go, see if I could meet some fairly in dreamland, whom might tell me some stories about wandering stars”, after talking gibberish for 3 hours, we finally found something worthy of wasting a sleepless night for...

“And if you meet this fairy, with her tales of the wandering light. Just sit next to her, hold her hand and then she’ll shine so bright...”

“I’m expecting her to glisten anyway, why do I need to hold her hand then?”

“What lingers of the velvet touch stays forever in you soul and that my dear friend is all one needs to know:)”..

“Na... if she tells me stories with a bright smile, thats enough for me, I wont touch coz I might hurt her, Just lemme go, so I can meet her, u making her wait”...

“If you look her in the eyes a smile will soon appear, but fairies aren’t always fragile for a touch they hold so dear. Go and meet her with smile so bright. Treasure what she gives you”....

“I hope so or else some nightmares with new ways of killing me – will be there for me in any case. Sigh”... my phone battery died as soon as I sent the text.

“Even, machines can’t bear the burden of sleepless nights”, sighed I. 03:19 AM was on the clock. I stayed lying awake on terrace and gazed at the lonely star.

05:31 AM

“Nothing is as lonely as not sleeping”....!

Autumn of Discontent

Zaka

In a deathlike stillness only rustle of autumnal leaves was heard as cold wind ran over whispering that winter’s frigidness is here. 

“The fall has gone too soon”, mused I as I turned and sauntered down the empty street. Fallen leaves squeaked under my feet as if solemnity of evening was being offended. Having walked a kilometer down the familiar path, I stopped. 

“Why does discontentment have to be the part of autumn?”, as this strange thought presented itself, I shrugged with an audible exhalation. 

“What can I say?”, I murmured as if the question came from someone else instead of voices in my head. I’m so fond of confusing my mind by dwelling on eerie thoughts that often excite my imagination.

The fall is mature and solemn. No wonder Henry Ward Beecher wrote: 

“October is nature’s funeral month. Nature glories in death more than life. The month of departure is more beautiful than the month of coming – October than May. Evergreen thin loves to die in bright colors.”

Gloom is synonymous with autumn, and yet, it is my favorite time of the year. When you look at the maples, you can sense as if silence listening to silence. Then I understand the true meaning of George Eliot’s words:

“Delicious Autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird. I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumn”, said she.

Any Day Above Ground Is A Good Day

Zaka

Once in a while, everyone feels stuck - unable out to find a way. Life seems like a futile war that you are destined to lose. Despite battling it out for every inch. When I find myself in this state of mind, I'm like FML. It sucks, I'm better off dead. I mean life is so important. How could it be so friggin' fragile????

Most of you would agree that life sucks but does it have to be? There's no gainsaying that life is overly complicated and most of us just don't have a clue WHY?

When you're knee deep in shit and pondering that there's no way out. You need a distraction then, or else you will lose whatever is left. As they say humor is the best companion to get through life. Yesterday, with flipping through the tv channels, I was trying to while away a lazy afternoon. A channel showing "Baby's Day Out" made me pause and then I watched the whole movie. Though, I have watched it a couple of times before. It just tickled my funny bones and banished  everything from my mind.

Just to stop my life from sucking, I tried to find something to laugh about. And I came up with these "Life Sucks" maxims. If you find someone whining, share these sayings with them. It may add a laughter to their life.

“Maybe this world is another planet’s hell” - Aldous Huxley

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. - Elbert Hubbard

Whenever life sucks, remember you’re going to die someday. So, any day above ground is a good day. – Unknown

“Life is like an onion; you peel off layer after layer and then you find there is nothing in it” - James Gibbons Huneker

I think I've discovered the secret of life - you just hang around until you get used to it. - Charles Schulz

“If the world didn’t suck, we’d fall off” - Unknown

“Life is little more than a loan shark: It exacts a very high rate of interest for the few pleasures it concedes” - Luigi Pirandello

“Life is hard. Then you die. Then they throw dirt in your face. Then the worms eat you. Be grateful that it happens in that order” - David Gerrold

“It is not true that life is one damn thing after another… It’s one damn thing over and over” - Edna St. Vincent Millay

My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right? - Charles Schulz

The perfect normal person is rare in our civilization. - Karen Horney

“The life of man [is] solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short” - Thomas Hobbes

“Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable” - Woody Allen

“You fall out of your mother’s womb, you crawl across open country under fire, and drop into your grave” - Quentin Crisp

“Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them” - Walter Kerr

“Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us” - Calvin

“Life is an incurable Disease” - Abraham Cowley

“It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything” - Tyler Durden

“The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry” - Ernest Hemingway

“It is a most mortifying reflection for a man to consider what he has done, compared to what he might have done” - Samuel Johnson

“Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove” - Ashleigh Brilliant

“The world is a grindstone and life is your nose” - Fred Allen

“The chief obstacle to the progress of the human race is the human race” - Don Marquis

“Although it is a gloomy view to suppose that life will die out, sometimes when I contemplate the things that people do with their lives I think it is almost a consolation” - Bertrand Russell

Death is life’s way of telling you you’re fired” - Unknown
“It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others” - Unknown

Life is so constructed that an event does not, cannot, will not, match the expectation. - Charlotte Bronte

Life is a foreign language; all men mispronounce it. - Christopher Morley

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it. - Jack Handey

He who has a why to live can bear almost any how. - Friedrich Nietzsche

Here is the test to find whether your mission on Earth is finished: if you're alive, it isn't. - Richard Bach

I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches. - Alice Roosevelt Longworth

PS: If this didn’t bring a perceptible smile to your face, then surely you need to borrow a life. Because, I already see you can't buy one. And one more thing - do tell me about that pawnbroker, because I , also, need a new lease on life. This one ain’t working out. 

Sentiency

In the long hours of nights
Staring at my room walls,
I would lie awake
One night,
The walls asked me to open the core of my heart
They thought they had the ears to listen
The heart to bear
Since,
When night falls
I sleep
And,
The walls weep

Broken thoughts

Physically disconnected from the world - I haven’t shaved my face for almost two weeks. Dizzy and flustered - I’m feeling like a soldier who’s in his first battle – sleep deprived and occupied by thoughts of fear. Fear of unknown, and what’s there? Who is there? Beyond that intangible line. One step beyond that line which resembles the line dividing the living from the dead, lies uncertainty, suffering and death. No one knows, but one wants to know. You fear and yet long to cross that line, and know that sooner or later it must be learned what lies on the other side of death. 

On my terrace, as if searching for something, I gaze into the distance, at the horizon and at the sun. How beautiful the sky looks. How blue, calm and how deep. How bright and glorious is the setting sun. There was peace and happiness. I should wish for nothing else, nothing if only I were there. But here in this world, there’s so much suffering, fear and uncertainty, like everyone is running somewhere and nobody knows where. I don’t know if I should run with them.

At this instant, sun began to hide behind the clouds. And the fear of uncertainty and love of life all melded into one feeling of sickening agitation.

You have to fall before you can fly...!

Zaka

In yesteryear, I have learned that while facts may be facts, if you ask enough questions and explore enough options you can find a way around seemingly unchanging situation. But at the moment, however, I seem to have exhausted my options. I need to forget about seeking ways to avoid certain matters and simply accept things as they are.

I used to pride myself on being bold, courageous and able to cope with all of life’s challenges. Yet at the moment I am feeling unusually sentimental - if not emotionally vulnerable. I’ve been thinking about making changes in my way of living or working, or perhaps both. While I have explored various options. No single plan has lasted. I hate to admit my life has been a dircetionless mess. I need time to figure out all the mess in my life that has been created by none other than myslef. I kind of realized that something needed to be recognized. What am I doing? Do I like doing this or like being here? Does this make me happy?

Being under pressure to make decisions is no fun, and if these involve the structure of your life. You have to ensure you do the right things. 

I make mistakes - in fact it won't be wrong to say that it has become a sort of habit. I let the opportunities go and then regret later. They say once in a life time opportunity stares you in the face saying grab it as you running out of time and I will not be there if you act later. And when that happened, you feel like man who realized that he led himself to a dead end. But then hope is that beaconing bird that you see in a hopeless situation. 
Sometimes a crisis becomes a biggest asset. A dead-end street could just be a place to turn around. There's always another day or so they say.

A Tale of An August Evening

Zaka

On the stony fence, I sat in silence, thinking of nothing. Just staring at the changing tide and listening to the crushing waves. 

"So what makes these waves so determined?", a thought popped up in my head as with every attempt, the waves tried to achieve new heights - rise and fall - then rise again... "They never fail to rise again", mused I.

"Can I sit here"... said an old man with a cane - pointing towards one of the wooden bench behind the stony fence. This row of wooden-benches was installed few days ago.

"Yeah...!! since I don't claim the ownership, so you know", I was being rude. His interference didn't go down well with me.

"I didn't say you do", he chuckled. By ignoring my impertinence, his desire to strike up a conversation was obvious.

"Lonely oldies", thought I.

"You too, are alone or what?", he said as if he had read my thoughts.

"Is it a question or observation. Should I walk away. This man seems weird", just in a second, a plethora of thoughts crossed my mind. I turned my face towards the sea assuming that looking in his eyes could open up my mind again to him. We sat in silence. Though I tried to relate my thoughts with the waves but there was something in my heart wouldn't allow me to do so. I was more interested in supposed things happening behind my back.

"Isn't it weird how a seemingly innocuous remark distracts you or gets you in a stew", I thought. "I'm certainly thinking too much, didn't have the best of time of late. That made me even more insecure", I took a deep breath that somewhat broke the shackles of my thoughts.

"What makes you think that I'm lonely?", I summoned some courage to ask, because I didn't want a conversation, especially with a weird old man.

"ahaa you back"...

"Oh really", I turned back, "I was never gone", I peered at him.

"Oh sure you were, long gone. Somewhere with those waves yonder", he peered back.

"What are you mister", I thought.

"To see a young man sitting alone along the beach and think he's a loner", he shrugged "It's a no-brainer"...

"Sitting alone doesn't mean that someone is a loner"...

"You see that old man and those young folks", he said as my vision followed the traces of an imaginary line he just drew with his forefinger. The old man was sitting about 50 feet off us - gazing at the horizon. He seemed engrossed in his thoughts. And on the beach, a bunch of guys was frolicking away the cool August evening.

"The old man is just another pathetic being like me who is living with memories - only memories. While on the other side those young folks like you, are in the process of making those memories", added he. "As you're sitting alone in a wonderful evening, I can say you are drifted from your path if not lost", he tittered.

"Hmmmm Life well-spent Mr. Weird. You know a lot about life", I thought.

"Well that is a pretty flimsy evidence", I smirked assuming the air of sassiness again. "Being young doesn't necessarily mean you ought to be with a crowd. Sometimes one needs to spend some time with oneself. I like to walk alone on the beach or sit and watch the sun kissing the choppy water".

"Maybe you have an old soul then", he winked.

I rolled my eyes then laughed, and he joined in. He doesn't seem much weird now. 

"So you have an aversion to people". he whispered after a moment of quiet.

"Nope, I'm not what you thinking". 

"He must have been a chatterbox in his younger days" I said to myself.

"What am I thinking?".

"Misanthropic"...

"Then what's it?"...

"Let me say I'm just shy of people. I do spend some time with them, but believe most of them are hypocrites"...

"You are a cynic?"...

"Guilty"...

"What do you do?"..

"Journo"....

"Interesting", he nodded, "I have a question for you. Would you say people are inherently good or bad?"..

"I think they are just people. What they do - makes them good or bad"..

"Exactly", he nodded again, "A moment of compassion even in a hypocrite can give meaning to a life. Life can bring about many dreary and unbearable experiences, but we don't quit living with the exception of few of course. It is like walking, when you take a tumble, you get up but don't stop walking. if someone wasn’t trustworthy, this doesn't mean that the whole world isn't?
There's only one way to seek out the truth about folks and that is to refrain from any sort of prejudice. Only then you will discover who is reliable and who isn’t", he tapped my shoulder and walked away. The dusk was falling as I saw his shadowy figure dwindled away in the gloom.

Crucify

In the bastille of ego,
I'm the guilty rebel
Who was crucified, 
By advocates of love

An Escapist

Zaka

In Search of "Me",
Who no longer exists
I wander around aimlessly
And,
I ain't alone
So many lost souls
I can now see
Some wishing to be found,
Others, resigned to their fate
Of living in this disillusioned domain

I feel fed up 
The everyday life,
Is just so mundane
I feel as if I'm stuck in a labyrinth
I used to have an idea of where I stand
But
Now 

The idea has slipped right out of my hands

It is getting harder to connect the dots
How long
Am I willing to wait
Is this just the beginning
Or is it the end
Is my soul really lost
Or was it never there at all
I give up

Want an escape
Let my fantasies overthrow reality
I'm going to walk into the station
Buy a ticket to an alien destination
Where,
I can just be me....!!!

Unstoppable

By Zaka

In the darkest hour of night
By the window
I sat
Listening to the sound 
Of the heart
That beats
Tirelessly
For ages
But now,
This heart
Should rest awhile....!!

10 singns that you’re mad about football

Zaka

1. You tweet while watching the game as if an expert in the commentator’s box.
2. You question almost every ref decision especially that goes against your side.
3. You suggest teams and strategies to your manager before games.
4. You rant and rave about underperforming players. And point out who should be sold or bought in the summer.
5. Upon losing, you always come up with some sort of excuse to defend your club.
6. You always find time to take the piss out of your opponents' supporters.
7. You take your kit on holidays on the off chance of a game.
8. Jerseys be found in your closet and your room walls are covered with your favorite players’ pictures.
9. You use football terminologies in real life and ordinary folks think you are nuts.
10. In the off-season, you feel as if something is missing from your life.

Antisocial or Selectively Social

Zaka

“Actually you’re……”, she said and then turned away as I rolled my eyes. Seconds later, she turned back as if contemplating whether to say what she wanted or not.

"Hmmmmmm", I gave her a frigid glare, because I had not wanted to indulge in any kind of conversation.

“You’re not like the others”, seemed she mustered some courage.

“So what?”, terse as ever I was. "I don't wanna be"...

“You need to be a tad more social”... whispered she.

“Did I ever say or suggest anything to you or the others?" Before she could even have a thought. 

"NOPE", snarled I.

“The problem ain’t being being social or not - the problem is that you people just don't mind your own business. Always try to poke your nose in other’s affairs. Take for instance, this uncalled-for conversation you picked up for no reason and to make it even more loathsome, you don’t have the gall to say what you really wanted to say”. I bluntly conveyed what I felt about.

With a sheepish smile, She turned around and just as she started to trudge...  

“And one more thing”, my uncharacteristically aloud tone made her stop but she preferred not to turn back as if knew that not much pleasurable was coming her way.

“I ain't here to be what people want me to be. Accept people the way they are. Nobody is here to make others happy”, I sneered.

Conceited, haughty, arrogant blah blah blah - people have been saying all of me. Of course behind my back. Do I care? Heck no, but sometimes I do get curious to know why do they?

I have no issues interacting with people and I can get through social situations just fine. But, I have no desire to hang out. I don't try to fit in. Whenever I have to explain this to someone, they say "social anxiety disorder". I, for one, don't believe that is the case. I don't get panic attacks while in public places, although when I am in public gatherings - more often than not, I feel detached from others. I'm very quiet in social settings and sometimes I just hate socializing. 

It is obvious that this world is a an extrovert's playground. Most people of my age like to party. But really it's okay not to go to parties. This doesn't make you freak. I am a totally different person than anyone else I know and people often don't get me. I know word "Hate" sounds bad. So I'd only say I don't like people. It is just so draining for me to blab with people. Therefore, I avoid them. I'd rather be asleep in my bed than to contribute to a conversation I don't give a damn about.

At times, I feel like one of those little kids who run away from the others just to play by themselves. I wasn't antisocial in school days. However, it was completely different "Me" when I started going to university. And I still can't figure it out why? I know it would be hard to go through life being sort of semi-isolated but I can't help it.

Extreme Random

“WTF is he writing, this horoscope thing is crap?”, I sling the magazine.

I've been so clueless of late. I quit my job, I thought I hate my job but as it turned out, it was the employer. I love my profession. Maybe I have rediscovered my love for it in the past week. Sharapova lost yet another final to Serena, god I hate Serena so much. I ain't racist btw…. yeah I was talking about my love for journalism. I think I should start anew. 4 years period for your 1st job is enough anyway. Btw I got a call already from an electronic media. 

TV is full of shit these days or is it just got boring coz I have nothing to do these days and I lost my love for gaming also, maybe coz I’m missing my buddy. We ain't on speaking terms. My feet fingers got better, y’know I’m so allergy-prone. Yeah so if I’m gonna join this news channel, then I have gotta work in shifts and I can't do that.. 

The past couple of weeks I have had extreme trouble sleeping. First it started as just me frequently waking up in the middle of the night, and waking up too early in the morning. Is it insomnia or what? Usually when I go to bed, I start out by thinking about anything then my mind kinda drifts off and I fall asleep. But these days, when I close my eyes, my mind starts going through a bunch of random thoughts that have nothing to do with anything. Random images pop into my head and I think of just really spontaneous, random things, and after a while of this I become aware that I'm not asleep and my mind is going through all those random thoughts, then I get freaked out coz I don't know why it's happening. 

Right now, it's almost midnight, and I'm wide awake. You must be wondering what shit is this? Actually, I post this crap on twitter usually but I’m posting it here just tell myself what kinda idiot I am.

All Alone

Zaka

Holding hands with myself

Digging the darkness in my mind

I’m standing here

Watching

As a lonely cloud floats by

I’m going to walk alone

On this long and winding road

I always walk alone

Because,

I’m alone

All by myself

In this crowded world

I got my own little world

And

I share my world with no one else

I’m going to stay to myself

Because

I’m scared

I can’t face tomorrow

I stumbled over every obstacle

Life has thrown at me

Vagaries of life

Failures

Bewilderedness

Regrets

Troubles

I’m going to leave behind

By walking alone

Even if I am

Not sure

Where it is taking me

And

Not sure

If I care

I’m going to walk

All alone

Deluding Oneself

Zaka 

Do you lie to yourself? 

"No", few would utter right way if asked. Some would stutter before saying "Yes" with a face depicting self-pity. Others, like me would tell you that at times, they do lie to themselves. They could tell you that honesty isn't synonymous with truth. And baleful realities along with your imperfections sometimes leave you no choice but to deceive yourself a bit. 

Aren’t we supposed to be honest with others and more importantly with ourselves? Aren’t we supposed to look in the mirror and see our flaws? Perhaps, but we simply don't; at least some of the time. 

Self deception has a number of different forms and is a tricky thing to discuss. It involves mysterious forces that keep us from acknowledging a bitter truth about ourselves. Such threatening truths might be that we aren’t what we are portraying, or we actually don’t have what it takes to model professionally regardless of what our mentor or parents say or think. 

When people lie to themselves can it be innocent? This is a seemingly innocent activity, isn't it? In many occasions it only affects the person with the false beliefs, and sometimes even then does not negatively affect the person. In fact, it makes you more positive towards life. 

"If we believe we're smarter or more talented, sometimes we sort of are", say the scientists. "When we tell ourselves we're good at something, we gain confidence, and then we may get better at doing that very thing, winning friends and influencing people, or so goes the reasoning." 

I fantasize a lot. I have been doing this since, well ever since I can remember. This situation has happened repeatedly in my life with judgments on skills level to things I believe I desire or could do without. To be honest, I use it as a coping mechanism to deal with problems bigger than me, bigger than my capabilities. And this daydreaming or wishful thinking, whatever you call it - has helped me a great deal to stay positive, to be on the right track. I believe sometimes when the situation gets unbearable, you've to lie to yourself to keep things on an even keel, or else you could easily find yourself on psychiatrist’s couch. 

The apparent sweet spot of self-deception is to accentuate the positive and "block out" the negative—while, at the same time, not letting yourself spiral out of control into thinking you don't actually need to do anything, you're perfect just the way you are, because unfortunately, no one is perfect. I mean, we're all fabulous, but we can also be better, right? 

Self-deception isn’t a bad thing as long as you don’t lose touch with reality. But finding a balance is difficult and this perilous tightrope-walk cannot go on endlessly. So what is the way forward? Maybe as S.E. Hinton said "“I lie to myself all the time. But I never believe me.”