In the labyrinth of addled mind

Zaka 

“I have the choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad. Or I can go mad by ricocheting in between ― Sylvia Plath ”

No matter how passionate you might be about your life, you may find yourself dragging once in a while and if you don’t make an effort to address it right away,  you could wake up one day and realize months have gone by and you’re still stuck….! 

Doing nothing often gives me too much time to ponder things that I would rather shove into the mental trash bin, where we tend to put unfinished businesses for an appropriate time. The lack of motivation, direction or the feeling that everything doesn’t seem to go right, all bring me to a state called mood swings. It is quite a familiar territory for me, where the mind moves to-and-fro looking for a temporary refuge. There is no permanent dwelling for the mental state, it wanders looking for peace it may never find. 

Our mind has enough explosives to demolish every tendril of its thoughts and yet we leave the doors of mental faculties ajar and accumulate unwanted provocations. Is there any way to keep the adversary thoughts at bay? 

The core of our wellbeing perhaps depends on our ability to flush out unwanted feelings; albeit, it is easy to say than doing it. In such state of mental demolition only one thing can save you. Embark on the road of selfishness. The mental stress disappears when you only have to think of yourself and the rest can burn in the eternal fires. Giving yourself a priority and not the welfare of others restrict the traffic to the channel of thoughts. It should not be exactly a one-way street but a few barriers on the right places can pay a good dividend or a certain degree of selfishness may be the only way forward when the roof threatens to cave in, After all, you mend your fence first before you consider fixing your neighbor’s. 

Sometimes, it pays to give the pendulum a rest. When the wild swings that knocks the hell out of the sides stops, you begin to see things in their proper perspective. While we cannot completely disregard family obligations and professional problems, at least they can stay in the queue for a while. 

In a nutshell, there is no obvious remedy and that’s why they keep building hospitals that have the back entrance to the cemeteries. At least the final destination is peaceful, or so we hope it would be. As for me, I am caught between selfishness and consideration for others, a limbo that many of us are trapped in. 

Midnight Moon

Zaka

The solemn hour of midnight

While everyone was sleeping,
I wandered on a forlorn street
Breaking through the wandering clouds
The moon too,
Was out for a midnight stroll
Moving nonchalantly like growing old
Tonight,
Moon isn't the same moon, neither the night
She seemed lonely and sad
I wondered,
Does she get lonely among millions of stars?
I heard murmuring up there in the high
Standing all by herself,
The moon whispered
Among the countless stars,
I stand alone
It just isn't fair
I have been wandering,
Through time
Seeking someone out,
To be mine
Yet,
I never found my soul-mate
I may never will
But,
In the endless skies,
My search goes on

I made peace with myself...!

Zaka

Lying in the dark, listening "In the arms of the angel" for the umpteenth time as a current affairs' program anchor blared on TV next room. Some songs or scenes of movies get stuck in your head and you just can't shake them off. It's not that they are ethereal but because they profoundly reflect the state that you have been going through. 

Sarah Maclachlan's "In the arms of the angel" is one, that trapped in my mind for so long. but this may be the last time I'm listening to it. 

I don't mind admitting that I have tears in my eyes. My feelings are unexpected and I didn't really see it coming. What I know about myself is that when stuff happens to me on a personal level, I just bottle my emotions, internalize it and then bury it beneath layers of distractions and inward soul searching until it kind of gets submerged somewhere deep inside. Though at times, the intermittent waves of emotions kick the feelings of remorse, guilt and longing during sour mood spells like now and rendering me powerless to deal with it...! 

So as she sings

"Spend all your time waiting for that second chance

For the break that will make it okay

There's always some reason to feel “not good enough? 

And it's hard at the end of the day 

I need some distraction or a beautiful release 

Memories seep from my veins 

Let me be empty and weightless and maybe 

I'll find some peace tonight"

I didn't live long enough but somehow felt that I spent all my time waiting for that second chance but the break never arrived that would have made it okay. Though memories have been oozing from my veins but life has always been devoid of "Distraction".

It seems like there's always something that happens which encompasses out entire attention and thus drain positive energy. I have been hoping against hope that I am strong enough to make it and I have been dragging myself forcefully from the ground every time I fell down. 

Nobody knows better than me that there's always some reason to feel not good enough. But I feel at peace now. I never knew that this century-old odd feeling of mine would vanish so fast.. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but there was definitely something different - something around me has changed, just ever-so-slightly... 

It took me a long time to realise that actually, something within me has changed, not anything in my surroundings. I have made peace with myself. tranquil in the knowledge that life moves on, past is left behind and nobody knows what future holds. So why worry about something that all the worrying in the world will not change. there is only so little I can affect and what I can't influence no matter what, should not be a concern to me. A huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I find myself breathing deeply and evenly for the first time in a long time. 

Sigh of Sadness

Zaka

Horizon shines in the evening

I am waiting for another time to come

When Sun gets orange

A gentle breeze stirs the fallen leaves to make a hollow sound

Like a violin,

playing haunting melody

My eyes get cloudy  

I breathe a sigh of sadness

There are wounds that just don't heal

But,

there was a time when nothing mattered

There were dreams, once seemed so real

It all seems so long ago now

Things, not flowing well for my dream

The more I push,

the worse the situation becomes

Unexpected barriers are hidden all around

I often make mistakes in confusion

And have little progression

I have tried so hard to keep myself from falling

If I could go back in time

But it won't change anything

'cause People change and dreams get shattered 

But,

there was a time....!

Poison Thoughts

Zaka

Thoughts, sometimes are more harmful than a dagger

As they come in a stream

Tearing me apart

And the tears find its way to eyes

You couldn't imagine the emptiness,

of a man whose thoughts burning him like acid

Anger, guilt and regrets Invade me

As if something could have prevented what had happened

In search of perfect punishment for my numerous imperfections

I need an escape

I am afraid to live

Fading like a smoke ring

Nothing stays the same,

Nothing will last

I know I can't hold

These thoughts burning me

And,

It will burn me to ashes

A Journey of few steps

Zaka

Endless battle for some

Blissful excursion for others

Each step holds multitude of mysteries

A journey of few steps called life

It is a circle going round and round

It’s like a battleground

There is always a war to deal with

Sometimes things come your way

Sometimes they don’t

Yet, it’s just a journey of few steps

State of Denial

Zaka

In a secluded corner,

Of a dark room 

I am tucked away

To seek a ray of light

Ironic as it may sound

But

When things get unbearable

When truth is too much to handle

Self-delusion comes to the rescue

Lies and feign promises

Sometimes can console

Running away from reality

Running away from those who could help

Isolation is an answer

I refuse to cry anymore

As if nothing has gone wrong

I have long been living,

In this strange universe

Where denial and desire coexist

Digging a shallow grave to lay myself in

Sinking with agony held within

On a long road to nothingness,

I live to tell a tale

The war within….!!!

Zaka 

Fickle Stillness surrounds me as my spirit left; dark shadows engulf my soul, I am holding onto a reason that lost in the dark blue. I hop from foot to foot as nervous energy flowing through my veins. I just dared to disagree with reality. 

Along the road of dreams, I walk down. Anguish consumes my soul with every step, yet still I walk and walk. Searching for something elusive, something essential that will make my life complete yet not knowing what it is. Having seen too many things come and go, I realize that the more things change the more they remain the same. I do not know whether I am thinking too much or has nature decided to tell me that the way I'm living my life, is wrong. 

I have been fighting this futile war for two years now. I am fighting with myself to see what's in my heart, and what I want in this life. It's a painful feelings, holding on when you know that you are fighting a lost battle. 

As the days go by, despair grows and heartache consumes my being. Sometimes I feel as if indifference is what I strive for. 

Loved ones are there yet not around, they try to understand but how can they understand when I can’t fathom what is erroneous. Smiling face all around, laughing, full of glee…and yet I am standing all alone in my world…. 

And then I stumbled, the realm of thoughts shattered into sphere of reality. It was a small pebble but nobody trips over a mountain anyway. I realized that I walked over a mile without realizing that I am walking down this very familiar street. I glanced around; this place is still very quiet just like the old days. We used to walk here with Dad; in fact it was more of a compulsion for me and my brother because we would walk with Dad to give him a company. 

My Dad is a heart patient, so he needs to walk regularly to keep his cholesterol in check. The tranquility of this street would entice us to come here. Dad would tell us his profound experiences and myths of life’s realities, though I would listen intently but most of his philosophy was way beyond my comprehension. And he knew this and used to say, you’ll understand this but in few years time. 

I looked around; the old oak tree didn't seem any older today. I continued my walk, it is like a little trip down  memory lane now. I vividly remember, on a hazy winter evening, Dad said, 

“In life, don’t get too close to people or things that if you lost them, you couldn't live without them, and try to make peace with yourself as soon as possible”…. 

I'd stopped dead in my tracks “What peace… Dad?” I uttered in amazement. 

“Soon you will be in war with yourself”, Dad said with a quick glance at my face. “When the situation arises, accept the realities, don’t try too hard to change something, you know you can’t. Do not dwell on past, leave yesterday behind along with all its worries and problems, always remember you can start a new tomorrow. The biggest journey is inside you. That inner journey develops your personality and inner peace is essential to this process”, he took a breather. 

“People are all essentially the same, we all have, the same hopes, the same fears, the same dreams, no matter what our upbringing, no matter what our income, we all have the same capacity for happiness”, he added… then came a long interval of silence, just when I thought it’s finished. 

“Don’t regret, forgive yourself for all your weaknesses and failures, to let go of your self-destructive guilt over past mistakes”, he concluded. 

As darkness enfolded the misty evening, it took hold of  things in no time, I turned back. Stiff with cold, the dead leaves cracked underneath my feet, making a crunchy sound which agitated the serenity of sombre evening. I realize inner peace can and will never be found outside of self but I couldn't help myself to stop fighting.